ESSI - EDU

Sample Class

Omit superfluous words

Words are superfluous when they can be replaced with fewer words that mean the same thing. Sometimes you can use a simpler word for these phrases(1):

superfluous                  simpler

in order to                             to

in the event that                    if

subsequent to                       after

prior to                                 before

despite the fact that              although

because of the fact that        because, since

in light of                              because, since

owing to the fact that           because, since

Another source of superfluous words is “shotgunning”: letting loose a blast of words hoping at least one conveys your intended meaning.

The simplest solution here is to replace your laundry list of adjectives with a single word or phrase that adequately expresses your intended meaning.(2)

Omitting superfluous words is one of the easiest ways to improve your disclosure document because it doesn’t require you to revise sentence structure.

before

The following summary is intended only to highlight certain information contained elsewhere in this Prospectus.

after

This summary highlights some information from this Prospectus.

before

Machine Industries and Great Tools, Inc. are each subject to the information requirements of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended (the “Exchange Act”), and in accordance therewith file reports, proxy statements and other information with the Securities and Exchange Commission (the “Commission”).

after

We file annual, quarterly, and special reports, proxy statements, and other information with the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).

before

Drakecorp has filed with the Internal Revenue Service a tax ruling request concerning, among other things, the tax consequences of the Distribution to the United States holders of Drakecorp Stock. It is expected that the Distribution of Beco Common Stock to the shareholders of Drakecorp will be tax-free to such shareholders for federal income tax purposes, except to the extent that cash is received for fractional share interests.

after

While we expect that this transaction will be tax free for U.S. shareholders at the federal level (except for any cash paid for fractional shares), we have asked the Internal Revenue Service to rule that it is. (1)

8.3 CHANGE UNNECESSARY THAT, WHO, AND WHICH

          CLAUSES INTO PHRASES

Using a clause to convey meaning that could be presented in a phrase or even a word contributes to wordiness. Convert modifying clauses into phrases or single words when possible.

Wordy

The report, which was released recently...

All applicants who are interested in the job must...

The system that is most efficient and accurate...

More Concise

The recently released report...

All job applicants must...

The most efficient and accurate system...

ACTIVITY - Trimming fat - Fatty Words

Instructions: The sentences below contain one or more fatty words. Select the best possible revision from the choices given for each one.

1. The company constructed the machine.

1. We will stop the tests in about a week.
2. I tried to show the solution.
3. The company built the machine.

2. I endeavored to demonstrate the solution.

1. We will stop the tests in about a week.
2. I tried to show the solution.
3. The company built the machine.

3. The modifications we have effectuated will facilitate operations.

1. The company built the machine.
2. The changes we have made will help operations.
3. We will start the contest today.

4. We will terminate the experiments in approximately one week.

1. We will stop the tests in about a week.
2. I tried to show the solution.
3. The company built the machine.

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